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(Verse 1)
Flaming walls and overalls,
Watch out as the ceiling falls,
Around your head, Comes crashing down,
The royal navy without crown,
The dukes are now the kings and queens,
And so it should be without means,
Yet here we are, the music plays,
Watch me, as your body sways,
And there you go, a one-two-three,
There's no you, there's no me.

(Chorus)
Would you smile a little,
Kiss a little,
Smooch a little more,
With the chemistry connecting lady,
Are you walking in my door,
Crying kiss kiss sacrilege,
Exploring mountains under ridge,
Cream of the crop is what they say,
Be mine tomorrow, mine today.

(Verse 2)
Icy stalls of cannonballs,
Selling at the shopping malls,
Under you breath, You slowly curse,
Whispers put you in reverse,
Your still my lamb to the slaughter,
Signature time cut in quarter,
Yet here we are, the music plays,
Watch me, as your body sways,
You make me smile, you make me hot,
Make yourself something that your not.

(Chorus)
Would you smile a little,
Kiss a little,
Smooch a little more,
With the chemistry connecting lady,
Are you walking in my door,
Crying kiss kiss sacrilege,
Exploring mountains under ridge,
Cream of the crop is what they say,
Be mine tomorrow, mine today.

(Bridge)
Meet me at midnight,
At the cross where two roads meet,
I'll take you to a place I know,
I'll sweep you off your feet,

(Chorus)
Would you smile a little,
Kiss a little,
Smooch a little more,
With the chemistry connecting lady,
Are you walking in my door,
Crying kiss kiss sacrilege,
Exploring mountains under ridge,
Cream of the crop is what they say,
Be mine tomorrow, mine today.
:iconzodia-mocking-bird:

Author's Comments

A song I penned while at Music School, It was in my songbook guitarist Jordan Flood affectionately named "The fucked up book of crippled genius"

Critiques


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:iconskullmystery:
Nice.

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It's simple.

I do not lie.
:iconmolly-snicklefritz:
You have a very excellent sense of rhythm for lyric writing! I enjoyed reading your lyrics if just to bop along. I'd like to add a bit of constructive criticism, if I may--your lyrics get into a bad habit of sounding nonsensical. I really, really enjoyed your use of rhyme (I could never do it, myself) and your symbolism is beautiful; but unless you mean to have elements of nonsense in your music (if so, ignore my critique and press on) I think it's bogging your songs down from being completely awesome. For instance:

"Icy stalls of cannonballs,
Selling at the shopping malls,
Under you breath, You slowly curse,
Whispers put you in reverse,
Your still my lamb to the slaughter,
Signature time cut in quarter..."

...the first line is a good example; I don't know what your intent is here, and I don't know how that pertains to the song. It throws the listener off-balance. The last four lines also detract from the song, throwing it off-kilter.

I hope my critique helps you. :) Your song-writing has incredible potential; I hope you continue to hone your skills.

--
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"Don't fuck with me now, man. I am Ahab."
:iconzodia-mocking-bird:
I am so glad you critiqued, Ive never had anyone do it to one of my songs before, Id love for you to do more of it, I feel that Im at my creative best because nobody tells me whats wrong with my words.

Thank you so much for the creative critisism, I think ill have to go back and rewrite alot of my work, I really want your critique on all my work now, lmao

Jase

--
happy now?
:iconmolly-snicklefritz:
Well, why don't you pick out some songs you think you need the most help with, and note me the links? I'd be happy to help you. It might take me some time, though, because I work full-time. :)

--
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"Don't fuck with me now, man. I am Ahab."

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January 7
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